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Answering machine humour
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world
famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message,
I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold
it up to the phone.
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a
message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
*your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However
our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange
for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone.
Thank you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real
slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll
get back to you . |
